Parenting a Child With Disability
How do I bring up this child? Is a frequently asked question by many parents who come face to face with a child with disability. The problem starts when the doctor announces that the child has a disability. The first reaction of the parent is denial,” my child is not disabled, the doctor made a mistake”. The grandparents add to this saying some uncle or aunty was like this but then they became normal. So there is no need for anxiety. Everything will become normal. But when there is no improvement the next step is to shop around for a cure from pillar to post. Parents refuse to listen to the doctors’ suggestions. Parents expect some miracle and after shopping around ends up either with over protection or with rejection.
All these have an impact on the development of the child. In the case of a child with mental disability parents have sympathy for the child Most parents feel that the child does not understand anything and try to give a lot of allowance for the child. A lot of concession is given for the misbehaviour of the child. The child with mental disability has some comprehension though not up to his / her age level Most parents allow the child to behave as she /he likes and finally are scared to take the child to public gathering because thay think the child will misbehave when people are around.
We usually forget to remember that the child is observing us as we observe the child. He/She knows our weakness and strong points and what will affect us more. Some children say “I know how to get things done, when friends come to visit us we get what ever we demand.” “Our screaming in a public place makes my mother nervous and she will do anything for me” So even if we are anxious make it a point not to express it out wardly.
Another big mistake we all do is to ignore the children when they are quite and mind their work. We have a tendency to finish the work as fast as we can when there is no disturbance. We pay attention to the child the minute the child throws something to the floor, or screams. This reinforces the child to misbehave. As parents if we are ready to appreciate the child when he is behaving well, then the child will also appreciate us and behave well.
Parents need to remember that discipline is same for every one; I mean same for all the children there need not be two yard sticks. If we start treating the disabled child like any other child. at home as well as in front of others, problems are less. We have come across children who behave well at home misbehave in a public place, scream and even roll on the ground and throw mud on every one, just to get attention. These children are very sure their parents are at their mercy. There is a six year old child who insists on taking a shaving cream when ever he visits a super market. No one is his home uses the shaving cream. If you don’t allow him to take the cream he will roll on the ground and scream. When he visits the same super market with his school mates and teachers, he usually drags the teacher to the cupboard where they have the shaving cream, the teacher explains to him that he doesn’t need that instead he can take a biscuits or chocolate which has a dazzling cover he agrees. No crying or temper tantrums. All what he wanted was not the shaving cream but the bright cover of the shaving cream.. In many cases we see that if you understand the child instead of saying NO to the child you can manage the child.
Parents usually feel that a disabled child is a punishment from god for what they have done in the previous birth. They don’t want to show the child to the out side world. We have a mother who takes the child for a walk around 9PM when every body is inside the house. She says this is to avoid disgrace; She wanted to avoid the questions asked by her friends and neighbours. The more and more she avoids people, people have the interest to find out what is wrong with the child. Instead if you can introduce the child to others and introduce some friends of his own age group, people will have empathy for the child and help you also. In some cases this kind of socialisation will help in the child’s social development.
We come across many parents who are very spontaneous in using the word (Don’t do it)
“Don’t go out in the sun” “don’t play in the rain” “don’t eat ice cream” “don’t play with that child” How many of us have the time and the patience to tell the child why the child cannot do that and instead what the child can do. When we give instruction to the child “Don’t play in the rain” do we ever convey the reason?. And teach the child to make paper boat so that when the rain stops he can play in the rain water. The child will definitely respond to your request, not to play in the rain. Make it a point to give positive commands instead of negatives. Many parents have the tendency to talk about the child to others like friends and relatives in the child’s presence. The positive as well as the negative behaviours are reinforced. If we talk about any behaviour that is worrying us the child takes the clue from us and misbehaves all the more in front of the visitors. So it is always better to avoid the mistake of any discussion in front of the child.
Parents need to keep in mind that we need to treat the child with disability as any other child in the family. Children learn what they live as described by an unknown author
If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to praise.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice,
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.
As we set rules for the children if permitted children may also like to set rules for us and question us. We usually do not allow that. Let us give them permission and keep our self in the shoe of the child and listen to what they want to say. For some parents it will be really shocking.
If we have done something wrong, you have every right to tell us what was wrong with us or where we went wrong. Please make it short, and without shouting at us in front of others try to make us understand what was wrong. Please don’t go about it for hours.
Please do remember the good things about us as well as the bad. If we are quiet and did something you can appreciate, give us positive strokes immediately.
If you want us to do something or don’t want us to do, explain to us why we cannot do that and instead you can tell us what we can do. And please don’t expect us to obey you as you are our parents We are fed up of the command” obey as I say so”
Please tell us specifically when you are pleased with us,” You behaved well when friends visited us or you didn’t make noise when I was talking to my friend” This will help us to understand how we have to behave and go on behaving like that.
If you make mistakes don’t feel bad to admit it. If you do something wrong, please apologize, we should do the same.
Could you listen to us more often? If you listen to us you can understand us better and why we behave in a certain way, and some times why we misbehave. Then we will be more willing to listen to you.
When we go out in the evening we should be back by a certain time. Our programmes need to be planned according to our convenience and likes and dislikes and not according to your convenience. This will help you to avoid the conflicts between us.
When our friends visit us, please welcome them, but do not ask them lot of questions about their home, parent’s family and what they do in their spare time. We need some privacy
We want to be trusted, so please don’t worry about us so much, and don’t always expect the worst.
You often tell us that you didn’t do that when you were young. We should be genuinely interested to know just what you did when you were young.
If you keep in mind another six rules as to how you can spoil your child you can be little careful and you can live without tension.
1. From infancy give the child everything he demands. In this way if he grows up he will think that the world needs to give in to all his demands.
2. When he picks up bad words laugh about it. This will give him an idea that he is cute. It will encourage him to pick up more words that will make you hang your head when he uses these words in a public place.
3. Please do avoid using the word “Wrong” It may develop a guilt complex in the child.
4. One of the parent make it a point to pick up every thing he leaves like books and toys after he plays or comes back from school and do every thing for him even before he asks for any help so that as he grows up into adult hood he will shun all the responsibilities and expect you to do ever thing for him. As the child grows up you are also growing old and you may not have the strength and energy to do everything for him if he is dependent on you
5. Quarrel often in your children’s presence. So that they will feel insecure and in some cases try to run off from the family.
6. Never try to correct him when he quarrels with friends and neighbours, blindly support him so that at later stage he will become a nuisance in the neighbourhood and the community will try to use force to manage him
No one has a right to say that he /she is a good parent or bad parent. In our anxiety to give our best to the child, we make lot of mistakes, if we can correct some of these mistakes which every one does at some stage of their life we can help our children with disability to be useful citizens and not be a burden to others even after we are not there to support them.
Related posts:
- Parenting a Child With Disability
- I am a pregnant with disability, will i be paid for disability and parenting?
- Learning Disability “Labels”: A Parent’s Perspective